A confession: I have been struggling a lot with illustration lately.
Iāll begin by backtracking. This whole pursuit started as my little hobby in 2019. I dragged on and made excuses until I finally had the courage to āput myself out thereā. Because what are leisurely activities in the social media era if people didnāt know about them amirite.Ā
Eventually, I joined a community of professional illustrators. Can confirm itās as cool as it sounds. Drawing for a living is the dream, my brain hopelessly romanticizes. I was a newcomer, and their support helped me step up what I only do for fun. And I have to say, 2020 has been fruitful. Iāve already done and earned a lot. Iāve had been plagiarized too, so obviously, itās going so well for me.Ā
Anyway, here comes the drama. I noticed my dilemma, when, even though I was getting invited to do projects left and right, it wasnāt reflecting well financially. I spent many months planting seeds and opening doors ā eventually turning out to be dead ends. I was losing more than I was making, and the opportunities that could help stabilize my income was restricted by where I am geographically. Iām not a businesswoman, so I fell short in that area as well. I thought, if I only had someone to deal with all the boring stuff so I can draw in peace, I would be the happiest. As an artist that runs a business, profitable vs fulfilling is always a tug-of-war. As well, promoting your work as a small artist and being in the mercy of ever-changing algorithms is just hard. Iāve questioned myself a lot: if Iām willing to commit to this, is it right if I just follow everyoneās route?
Thatās why if you go to my Instagram, it just looks like I ghosted my followers. I mean, I wanted to be a person who never really bothered about āfollowersā, but thereās this indescribable care from strangers that I just feel like paying back. I feel bad that Iām inconsistent and that Iāve abandoned what helps me somehow make them get through their day. I came to a point where I just surrendered, because I was trapped in a loop of scarcity and discouragement. I came to a decision to give it a rest and only create in private (private includes this space). After all the arduous thinking, my biggest discovery was that Iāve fallen into the trap of doing things with the āgram in mind, all the time.
Thereās nothing wrong with creating for social media, or for audiences in general. I admire creators who have found and figured out the pulse of their community. It just doesnāt sit well with me. I wish to reclaim my own pace and be more deliberate, which I know is up to me. I want to quit fighting over peopleās precious attention on passive (and irreverent) platforms ā also up to me. I feel frustrated that Instagram tends to cheapen things and diminishes the value of what creatives make, because our hard work is practically consumed for a few seconds. Sometimes people scroll past it, making it seem disposable. Itās harder when what you make doesnāt intend to sell something. But this right here is not up to us. The thought of operating like a ābrandā that creates ācontentā no longer aligns with me. Iām a human being who just happens to be creative. And Iād love to just be in spaces where my art can breathe and thrive, outside marketplaces posing as social media platforms.
Itās what these short-form spaces are doing. The brevity of digestible content has made some of our ideas to become reduced ā cold, sometimes reckless, and misunderstood. How fast can you cancel someone/thing these days and spread it like wildfire? Fires destroy stuff. Frank Chimero had this sentiment about how the internet makes it hard to incentivize positivity and easy to initiate negativity. Obviously, itās not a generalization because there are still good places on the web. But the current architecture of common places isnāt built for deep interactions, as much as they want to show and tell otherwise. Affirmations are reduced to icons you can tap, while rage and hostility can take all the space and time in comment sections. This also goes without saying, but the way newsfeeds are meant to be consumed doesnāt help my attention span. People in UX need to reevaluate what constitutes human-centeredness.
Phew. That feels good.Ā
Now that I got all of that out, hereās a subtle invitation to my Patreon on January 1st. Iām not going to hide the fact that I want to make money off of my work more sustainably, and I can manage it with the proper headspace this time. (I didnāt the last time, if you remember a link before, because of lack of resources.) Aside from the financial support, Iām drawn to having an intimate space for intentional thoughts and work. What I like about Substack is the magical ability to land straight to your inboxes. You can consume at your own time and pace, and you can choose not to. And thatās a win-win, because we both get to spend our time wisely. I now have a Patreon tier for $1, giving me general support + giving you access to my art. Iāll be over the moon to see you there. If you are not capable at the moment, no worries, this place will also be my main hub, forever free for you to enjoy.Ā
As I sulk and procrastinate about social media and my art, Iāve been turning to where I feel the safest: writing. Iāve adopted the morning pages portion of The Artistās Way and itās been amazing. I donāt really look back and read, but all my (15, as of today) entries have revealed my realest and messiest streams of consciousness, which I had been repressing and avoiding like the plague (ācuz reminders of past traumas are so hot right now). Iāll for sure share some bits in the future. I think making other people feel seen through unglamorous stories is beautiful and important. A testament of life.Ā
For now, Iād like to share some photos + random screenshots I have accumulated since Iāve committed to documenting my days as freely as I can. In the first half of December ā cannot believe Iām saying this, but finally the fucking last of this very excruciating year ā I was able to go out and see nature and stuff. Mark and I have been going on walks a lot; a sobering reminder that there is still a world breathing out there. My dad just came home from his work overseas too, and Iām spending the holidays (if you still want to call it that, after having spent looong ones) with my family next week. Ah, way to wrap up this blackhole of a year.Ā
Okay, take care. Thank you for giving me this space to be vulnerable, and I hope you can deal with your personal mess okay. Apparently, youāre not alone. Just have some type of release, and remember that life is a process and not a finished product.Ā
Happy holidays! A distant hug from me to you.Ā
Hugs, m'luv! (This is jubie). I just came across your substack from Niki's substack. Been thinking about you <3